Self (soul) love

Who knew? That the path to healing was through unconditional radical self -forgiveness and love, even when I act like a pariah, goon, moron, idiot and people scoff at me.  More love, more love, more forgiveness for my soul, keep it flowing, keep sending it down, mother spirit, we got some wounds that need love down here stat!!

I keep myself company well these days, I have long and deep conversations with my soul while sitting in silence, Om’ing intermittently. I tell my soul you are strong, you deserve forgiveness and love. I’m learning, ever-so-gently and slowly, how to turn my incessant itch for validation from the outside world and into a craving for the validation and approval of my own inner voice, the nod from the intuition of my higher self.  I feel the residual effects of an hour and a half meditation from last night.  I am still feeling the divine energy that flowed into my crown and heart chakras.  Are there soul downloads contained in these chakra-tingly meditations?  Similar to the way there are soul downloads of highly complex and compressed files in languages of the heart we don’t understand during the Ayahuasca ceremonies? If its happening below the level of conscious awareness.. I’m good with that,  I just sit there and breathe and tell the higher dimensional spirits I am ready and open to receive the divine blessings.

Without fail, the first 30 minutes of sitting, I have my radioactive, static ridden, monkey-mind, thought rockets and sparks flying all over.  I fail miserably at focusing on breath. There is absolutely no way to meditate correctly, by the way.  This is why I can’t stand when people feel the need to guide a “beginner” in a meditation class or gathering, in what to focus on or do with thoughts, it’s futile because that person’s soul has always known how to lock in and find inner stillness.  We are all born knowing how beautiful our own soul and body is, it is only cultural programming and oppressive institutional messages that make us feel guilt about loving ourself and being happy for no goddamn reason!!!! I’m happy because the sun is out today and I’m talking with a friend from class, who smiled at my joke.  That fills my heart.

When I start to get over that threshold of 30 or so minutes, is when the communing with the guides commences, or is it simply becoming peacefully centered? and having a smooth, meshing, lock-in-key synergy of spirit-in-body.  Our machinery, is designed so our spirit will become disassociated from the body and become subservient to our evolutionary primate needs.   So now, quiet breath, is the antidote.  It is my medicine. But what I am realizing is that some days, or many, when I sit to meditate, I feel heaviness, or a dread, for going into that open heart space where I can often times, not distinguish what are my thoughts, and what are society’s.  Because I don’t believe thoughts originate from just me, we are pulling from a well of the collective unconscious, the supercomputer of mystical, union consciousness, its just that in regular waking consciousness, our access to the divine is severely limited.  So if these thoughts aren’t really mine, whose are they? Something beats this heart, so what might give my consciousness the ability to create, to think, to love?  A divine creative force.

Another riddle: what is my pain in my heart today and what is the pain of humanity?   This is why being happy all the time is not only not desirable, but not realistic and not productive.   Embracing the non-duality of this world is the way to freedom, and being released from the shackles of the societally ingrained polarity of light-dark, good-evil.  Dark sculpts your soul into a shiny, sharp diamond as much as light does.  The darkness and the light have always needed each other in order for a person to come to full actualization.  Through embracing the dark and the shadow side, one discovers the true strength and clarity of one’s light.

Embrace your hurt, cradle yourself and comfort yourself and let the anger, sadness, jealousy, hurt, wash through you and cleanse you.  When you are feeling something, this is a message from the mothership and it is already in the process of healing you.  It is only the stifling of emotions through numbing of pain with noise: busyness, drugs, alcohol, TV, music, sugar, co-dependent romantic relationships, workaholism.

Why not simply be grateful that you can feel deep emotions in your heart?  Whether they are heavy, difficult or not?  It means that source is sending you a course corrector, or helping you feel an emotion to its full depth and then release it, or reframe it.

What a revelation, that the darkness I can access in the collective unconscious and that I have seen as a weakness for my entire life is actually a strength.  Because I can be a channel for the darkness, the darkness swallows me up frequently, I was born with a soul that simply keeps its ear to the ground about the suffering of the collective soul pool. Now I invite the darkness in from the cold, pat him on the back, tell him, sit down, here’s some soup, let’s chat.   Maybe our chronic sadness, that others have tried to suggest you to just sack up and grit your teeth about, maybe you were born with a divine gift and talent that our -Pro-mind, anti-heart- society has neglected and shamed you for.

The militantly positive robots; they can’t keep up the facade. Because it gets tiring pretending to have your shit together.  Tony Robbins, if he was truly happy, would he need to do so many more millions of sales per year?  Maybe he has become addicted to having private jets and a Fiji resort and a status.   I understand Tony Robbins and for many extroverts he works well, but empaths and sensitives have a better detector for truth than that.  We know deep down that the pain and the sadness are just as valuable, if not more valuable than happiness and glory and reaching the top of the pile, being the king of the castle.

Peter you have a responsibility; marching orders from the mothership.  That might trump a romantic relationship, or hedonistic jerking around, it means get off your ass and get to work, this isn’t about you anymore you lazy-ass.  Turn the brain melting TV off!!

Mothership: We have given you a deeper receptivity to darkness and deeper, heavier emotions of sadness, incompleteness, and we did all of this so that in your 27th year of life, you’d begin to emerge out of the rough gauntlet and the illusion, with a diamond cutter for a bullshit detector, and a deeper understanding of the endless illusions in this world.  So shut your mouth and go listen, to someone, go catch and cradle a person’s pain, carry it and give it up to us in divine realms and we will heal it and send it back down as love.

Someone told me I was crazy recently, and it felt cathartic, like I needed to be recognized and come out of hiding.   I am crazy.  I think we are all beautiful, boundless, souls that yearn to get the fuck out of this barn dance of media, and the hop step hum influence of being a fame whore.  I am crazy.  I’m proud to be considered “crazy” in a sick, diseased, society.  The collective consciousness of today’s  world needs to be rocked and shaken up and turned upside down.  There is no Peter, really, I’m a sliver of the tapestry of God’s handy quilt.

Loving your self and caring for yourself at every moment is the kindest act of love you could ever do and is a far more compassionate act for the people around you, then draining out your empathic love on them when you are not at full strength.  Get the oxygen mask on your face before trying to save anyone else.  Give your heart a safe, quiet, space to be watered and given sunlight so that beautiful plant in your heart can start growing.

When a person compliments me or uplifts me in a way after I go a few months without hearing anything good about myself, I feel the drug-like effect and am strengthened in my resolve to write or speak up in class, or continue with yoga practice or whatever it is.  The compliment acts as training wheels for my self-esteem, it allows me to glimpse down into a reserve of self love, it activates the dormant, sparkling self-love that was just waiting to come out.  I am then reminded that I have been suffering from Stockholm Syndrome myself, I was a captive of myself and my abusive, hateful self talk, my entire life and I am healing each day.  I realize that I have always had the ability to uplift and compliment and pull myself out of a hole, any time or any place.  The only way to heal is to be fierce, unconditional in self-love, you : a divine creature trying to find your way.  Would you ever hit or scream at a dog for running out of where the fence is or jumping on a person out of sheer excitement?

My make-up has led me to believe that I am patient zero, I am the barrier, to the life of boundless love waiting outside the oppressive confines of self, of being a supposed Type-A person who simply hates yourself and is a slave driver for monetary success.  I hold the key to release myself from the prison of the solitary confinement. How much more could this person achieve if they simply released themself from the chains of perfection and instead had as their goal, uniqueness, and the beauty of being a uniquely shaped plant in the garden.

Source: work through me, communicate intuition through my brain and let the words flow through my fingers.   This isn’t me doing the writing, I am channel for source.  She wants to express her beauty and complexity.  How can I simply open up to allow and receive the ocean of divine blessings that want to pour into me?

Shit, Pete’s lost his mind, I’m never touching psychedelics if that what it’s gona do to me.  He’s a Jehovah’s witness, preaching about source this and source that.



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