The ideal mate you are seeking, already exists inside you

I was leaned over, my right hand on her hip, I could feel the softness, and suppleness of her skin, our torsos were touching, my head resting against her neck, and I felt the comfort of being with her, having her in my arms. I could feel the way my heart was when I am with her, it was open. My eyes were closed and I assumed she was laying in the bed right next to me.

I opened my eyes and there was nothing there, I could still feel her, I know she was there in some form. My eyes welled up with tears.  I felt this presence of her, in whatever dimension it resided, it seemed to be only spirit at this point  I felt a rush and sweeping sensation as this spirit or essence of her dissolve into my body.  It seemed then we were both being pushed into the ground.  I came to, and picked my chest upright and I was dug into the earth and my sheets covered in dirt and soil that I was buried in.

I looked at the wall, and the words “this is the first time” materialized on the wall, the letters were in white.  There were some words after it that completed the sentence but I couldn’t make them out.  Then I woke up.    My higher self is a tricky bastard, he only wanted to give me some crumbs, not the whole meal.  Good, because we are creating this path daily.

Is the lover in external 3D reality simply a reflection of the lover, or the feminine that already exists inside me that is pushing up from underground, trying to sprout?  Did my higher self want to help me feel one last embrace with my ex in the dream? To show me that we are closing a chapter, and healing something deep, cutting that cord that linked our hearts, or our energies?  This is love, love from afar, is best, boundaries, I can’t save her, she can’t save me, the path to ascension and enlightenment must be tread by myself, I venture into the dark forest with the wooden stick and a flashlight.  My beaming, multi-dimensional, technicolor, shape-shifting, heart leads the way.

I got a reading recently and was told that one of my most significant past lives was as a Japanese woman who came from a influential and wealthy family who “pushed against power” in the 1400’s.   He elaborated and told me that she wore her hair in a way that was unique and went against the norms of the day.   I have tried to make contact with this part of me in meditation, what was she like?  Or what was….. I … like?  Was I hot?  Would I fuck me?  What would an orgy be like with, say, ten of my past lives’ bodies, just intermingling with my different incarnations throughout human history? The me from Atlantis, the me from Lemuria, me as a slave-owner, me as a sexy blonde Swedish woman, no Norwegian or Polish, even better, the Tibetan Monk me, me the commander on Mars.  A real Caligulan bash.  Accepting that we reincarnate has allowed me to take my sexual deviance and narcissism into new dimensions.

Ok, so it’s a woman that was Japanese, but that woman, is, me……. so that essence, that rebellious spirit is still me, it always was me.  When he told me about the haircut, I felt a rush of energy sweeping through my crown chakra. Inner knowing was activating.  You came here to create a unique signature that doesn’t listen to anything but my own inner knowing and beauty. Yes, Peter, there is a reason you never fit in, not because you were weak or cowardly or shy, but because you weren’t buying the garbage that the herd and the societal machine of rape and pillaging was selling, but because you have an energy signature that has yet to be manifested in 3D reality.   You don’t know what it is yet, because I have yet to manifest it.   Morning pages help to carve into deeper layers.   So much knowledge from past lives that I have yet to activate, but how the fuck do I get all this shit out? It takes patience.  Old souls got a fuckload of wisdom and information in their brains and souls and it can be overwhelming, like, it has been my whole life! So many people are born as gurus and they don’t even know it!

I have moments of undeniable inner knowing during meditation these days, they might be rare and fleeting but it is enough to glimpse behind the veil of seriousness, behind the veil of the delusions of control that exist all around us in society. This inner knowing feels like having the me of 5 years old being resurrected, every single time.  It feels like: fuck the world’s opinions, I came here to feel love in my heart and sing that love to others.  The heart doesn’t speak money, it never has and it never will.  I didn’t come here to make you comfortable and confirm your delusions, I came here to create a new paradigm, and help liberate others.

Ok, so the mind is an engine, it a computer that can have faulty wiring, the engine can malfunction for years on end, but that engine, this operating system, this machine, isn’t me.  It is going to do it’s stress and danger thing all the time.   There is a human body, called Peter, but he isn’t me, something far more beautiful and something that is plugging into everything that has ever existed is operating this incarnation of me.  I am creating this character daily, minute by minute, the way I create a character on the page, or a painting with my brush.

This is the fun part, when I can see that I just want to express this heart, that’s what satisfies me, it’s shocking how easily people are triggered, and how easily they get angry when you don’t confirm the tightly held notions of “reality” that keep them safely packed away in their styrofoam and packing peanuts they have insulating themselves with.   Ohh I love it so much, nothing quenches the thirst in my soul more than letting truth roar out of me, my implicit message : I’m not interested in your rehearsed dance you call life that will stay in a specified and pre-measured perimeter.  I came to earth for TRUTH.

My soul craves authenticity, rawness, hurt, pain, genuine souls.   The problem is that the very fabric and foundation of our society is built on the idea that if one can lie to himself enough, he can build a fortress or a mountain of lies so big that society, then, that will compliment your fortress of lies, in order to confirm that their fortress of lies aren’t lies also.   I don’t give a fuck if you like me, I care about your heart and truest self, and opening more hearts that think the pop culture ideals that were installed in their heads is “real happiness” and it’s a dystopian zombie sham.

Shine that star and blind others with your love, you have absolutely no responsibility to dim that light when others around you are in a bad mood/anger/anxiety/fear vibration.  That low vibration of fear and judgment seeks to neutralize your light, and keep it in their vibration of comfort and safety.   Blind them and electrify them out of the fear and anxiety, speak straight into their hearts and souls, that’s your superpower.   You change the world one person at a time.  Empaths are taking their power back.

2 thoughts on “The ideal mate you are seeking, already exists inside you

  1. When we start taking down those castles of lies things get really scary, until we realise that the new house we build with our true self is such an incredible place to live.

    I really enjoy your posts. They make me smile, even when there are sad undertones.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Haha, the sad undertones are never far away, with me.

    It can be difficult letting old identities that you thought were you, die, but it’s necessary. All the false needs to be stripped away first, before the new can be birthed. So much of my life served to show me what I wasn’t, and who I wasn’t, it was all leading me and imploring me to look inward and find what is true and unchanging in myself. Being your true self is an act of courage in a world that makes it so easy to be something else.

    Thank you so much


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